


Untitled

by kisahawklin



Series: Supernatural Season 12 Tagathon [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s12e09 First Blood, Gen, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 11:31:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9489089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kisahawklin/pseuds/kisahawklin
Summary: A bit of thoughtful Sam. My fave bits of the episode were the Sastiel ones - it was nice to have Cas's devotion to both Winchesters stated so plainly. And Sam's face when he hugged Cas! It was reminiscent of the way he hugged Dean when Dean got back from Purgatory (though I'm sure that was partially camera angle).Please tell me that Sam's "saving people" shtick will be the impetus to stop working with the British MOL. Because the excessive outright murder is starting to chafe.





	

Sam can't even fathom why Dean would make the deal with Billie. It'd only been a couple of months, at best. Dean's spent decades in hell. The only thing Sam can figure is that Dean was just done. He's been there before, that loss of purpose. It's been a while - there's a lot of regret in Dean, but he hasn't been _tired_ the way he was during the apocalypse, on the verge of giving up. 

It's the one thing Sam's always done better than Dean. Probably the only thing. He can see the good they do. He knows who they help. He has a sense of purpose, of hope. Maybe it's just the direction his stubbornness takes. 

Maybe it was Mom. Maybe not being able to really connect with her took away the last thing Dean thought he had. Sure, Sam's family, too, but Sam's broken. Dean doesn't even pretend about that anymore. And with Cas's little speech, he can tell Dean was as touched as he was. Cas is family, too, but it's not the same. 

He hadn't really thought about which one of them was going to die once they got out. They both knew the other would make the sacrifice, and he didn't think Dean would play dirty on that - or, honestly, that Billie would let him. Billie liked to watch them squirm. And Billie probably expected Mom to offer herself. Sam supposes he knew it would happen, too, but he hadn't let himself think about it. He'd been thinking about whether or not Dean could make it without him. No point in sacrificing your life if the person you sacrifice it for wouldn't be able to keep going. He was trying to decide if Cas would be able to be there for Dean, if he could possibly fill the kind of hole Sam would leave. He could never replace Sam, but Dean's been missing his little Sammy a long time. Maybe he'd be able to give up the shadow of him that lives in Sam these days.

Cas's speech had surprised Sam more than Dean, he thinks. Dean's used to Cas's fervent devotion. He's always had it. He probably takes it for granted, with that easy sort of entitlement he used to have about everything. Cas has never been devoted to Sam, except because of what Sam meant to Dean. But as his relationship with his brother had broken down, he'd bulit up his relationship with Cas. They'd spent time together, learned about each other, comforted each other. It's been a bright point in the dark and sometimes bland landscape of the last several years.

And he's sad for Billie. He'd liked her, despite her death wish for them. He'd been willing to go with her, honestly, because he had a good feeling about her. He thought she might let him watch over Dean, hang out until it was Dean's time too. She'd saved him before - maybe more than once - so he thought maybe she'd been bluffing about this too. Or, come to think of it, maybe she was counting on Mom to meet them. Maybe Mom's feeling of not fitting in was bigger than he or Dean had realized. Maybe she really was ready to go. He thought he'd seen some of that at Asa's funeral.

Cosmic consequences, Billie said. He knows firsthand that's no kind of good. The blood debt will eventually have to be paid. He can only hope they can find a way to fix it or pay it before they break something else, something big.


End file.
